he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
