Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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