I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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