i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
