I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
