plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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