i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
