My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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