apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
