a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
