How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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