So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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