i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize