If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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