i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
