Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
