i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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