i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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