captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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