my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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