mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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