I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
