I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
