I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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