Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
