i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
