the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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