Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
