So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
