I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
His nipple licking is glorious
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