I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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