If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
