oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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