If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You are a genius and a whore.
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