All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
