we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
