The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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