I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
