Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
