Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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