just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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