HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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