If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
As shirtless as possible
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
