god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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