I forgot how hot balto sounded
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize