Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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