Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize