Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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