U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
