woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
