I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
