Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
