shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
