I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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