already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
