The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
