The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
