The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
