It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
