I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
