if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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