True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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